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Two Dews
Thursday, August 26, 2004

Mountain Dew has been going all wacked out with new flavors for the last couple of years. First it was Code Red. Then, just for the summer of 2003 they brought out Live Wire, which re-emerged again for another limited-time summer offer in 2004. The saga continues. Now there are two new Dews available. They are either sold as LTOs or exclusively sold at such and such a place, so you've got to be a sleuth to get your hands on them.

The double Dews are >>

Pitch Black, a Halloween-ish black berry drink. It's a lot like Fanta Grape, but with a mysterious berry taste that I just can't put my finger on. Maybe it is a combo of many berries. It's got a raspberry and blueberry thing in there at the same time. Really a nice tasting drink, especially if you like grape sodas. It's color is a dark purple. As far as I can tell from the website it is being promoted as a scary drink, so the color...I fitting. I do believe that this is the first drink with ghoulish ties.

Pitch Black the Web Site

Baja Blast, the tropical lime storm only available at Taco Bell. Well, their trickery worked. The marketing teams' product pairing got me into the store for a meal. My 1/2 lb. Beef and Potato Burrito was much better than this silly drink though. "Tropical Lime Storm" - what's wrong, I want to know, with just a regular old drink name like grape, lime, cherry, or orange. These days drinks are all about these wacked out images to describe their drinks -- metallic thunder, tsunami tungsten alloy, skeletal sheet metal, hurricane taste bud. What the F. Just tell me what the flavor is, not its meteorological-moniker. Baja Blast sucks. It's color is a disgusting minty green. It's less syrupy that a normal MD, so I felt I was getting gypped on the sugar. And there is very little kick to it. I missed the tropical blast of lime that I was promised.

Baja Blast the Web Site

Sonic's Junior Banana Split
Friday, August 06, 2004

Don't be fooled. One embarrassment almost ruined the super-sweeg bargain. I'll tell you the whole story.

I've driven by Sonic a few times lately and noticed that they are now selling a Junior Banana Split for 99 cents. Oh, man. That is perfect. The regular split cost something like 2.30 or so. Whatever it is, I am sure that it is over 2 bucks. That's A-lot for a frugal fellow on a buget. So the 99 cents idea really grabbed me. Plus, Sonic's Banana Split is awesome. I had one a few months back. Now, I haven't had a Banana split in some 15 years, so it was real nostalgic and real good.

The Junior is set up like this. It is half of a banana halved and put in a tiny little serving dish. Not so tiny though. They then put some soft serve ice cream in there. It's hard to tell how much exactly. Soft serve doesn't really translate into scoops. It's enough though. Then come the three topping zones. Zone one is chocolate. Zone two strawberry. And Zone three is pineapple sauce and pieces.


The Junior is the perfect amount for a snack.

Here's the only thing you need to be warned of. Upon ordering, they asked if I'd like nuts. Yes - I did want nuts. Turns out that nuts cost an extra 10 cents. I brought exactly 1.06 with me, cause I figured that'd be the cost with sales tax. The nice young lady on skates waved the charge and I ate my meal feeling a little like a beggar, but it was worth the embarrassment.

Rating: 4.8 out of 5 plumpy waitresses on skates.

Burger King Veggie Burger
Sunday, August 01, 2004

I have returned with my BK Veggie Burger Combo with fries and a strawberry shake. You are about to receive a realtime review of this meal.

I will start by saying the strawberry shake is soft and delicious, better than McDonald's, especially now that McDonald's has those damned triple thick shakes that are too thick to suck through a straw... what is the point if you can't drink it, you McIdiots!?!

BK Fries: every time I eat BK fries, I like them more and more... still not better than McDonald's fries, but they are up there... they do tend to be more crispy on average than McDonald's, but their best is still not as good as McDonald's best... best part of the fries is their guaranteed crispiness without too much grease.

First mistake on Veggie Burger... mayonnaise, and this is with all BK sandwiches... I do not know who decided in our past that mayonnaise should automatically be put on burgers, but they are all assholes and should be shot today! Mayonnaise, being the miserable product that it is (except in tuna or chicken salad or on cucumber sandwich), should only be put on by request... my enjoyment of the sandwich has already been crippled and I have not even taken a bite yet... also included are lettuce and tomato... no onion, ketchup, or mustard... Next flaw: include mayonnaise but not ketchup mustard and onion... what the hell is wrong with these people?!

I have taken the first bite of the Veggie Burger.

First of all, the taste is very bland, mainly because it is missing the three main ingredients mentioned before which generally provide the extra flavoring a good burger needs.

The veggie patty itself is plain and boring... nothing to die for. And, now that I have looked at the section I have bitten off, I can see the parts of veggie matter no wholly ground and am displeased with the sight. I give this burger a rating of:

2 Charcoal Briquets out of 5

Does not disgust me, but does nothing for me either... I will nickname this burger E. Matter. (edible matter: average product that can be consumed without causing revolt) But the shake sure is good.

The mayonnaise just made a squirting splooging sound... oh... so disgusting...

Oh god, this burger is getting worse by the bite... I may have to change my rating to a 1 out of 5... Long live the cow.

Update: could not finish the veggie burger... too disgusted.

Do not feel sick, but since I could not finish the meal due to loss of appetite, I have to reduce my rating to:

1 Charcoal Briquet out of 5

Simply put: Avoid BK Veggie Burger (if you are a veghead, forego your beliefs at BK).

Rating: 1 Charcoal Briquet out of 5

Michelina's Authentico Layered Lasagna with Meat Sauce
Friday, July 30, 2004

Michelina's LasagnaSince college, I have been in the habit of purchasing a couple of Michelina's every time that I go grocery shopping. The lasagna was a new one for me and it was Bona Mia! (translation: awesome) The meat sauce was Magnifico (translation: very tasty) with real onions. The four cheeses--ricotta, Romano, mozzarella, and Parmesan--were Superbeeo. (translation: chorck-u-latory)

The meal is highly portable. I had to eat it on the way to a friend's house and had no troubles. If you leave the half-peeled-back lid on, it makes for a nice transport-sauce-splash guard. Nothing fell out into the car. Again, I was in a great hurry to leave and only cooked the dish for the first four minutes that the instructions called for. It turned out perfect. I skipped the "stir sauce around lasagna step and reheat" and it turned out perfect. Many times the cheese in these microwave dishes burns the ***BEEP*** out of your mouth. My suggestion is to skip the additional heating steps and just put it in for four minutes on high (don't forget to lift the corner of package up as instructed).

Rating: 4 out of 5 Mario Brothers

Now to digress a little - Mich's were a staple in college. Back in the mid-nineties they were only $0.99 compared to today's $1.49. My favorite back then was the Shell's 'N Cheese with Jalapenos, which I haven't seen around these days. The Linguini with Clam Sauce I also loved, though it stunk the chunk out of the dorm room. A side note - today's packaging is more colorful and has a picture of an old Italian woman.

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